This time of year can mean spending more time than usual with family, and, for some, that can be a bit of a struggle.
It can often feel like a challenge to feel seen; in the context of family, this challenge can feel even greater. Family often project who they believe you to be onto you rather than providing the space for you to express who you are. They might do this unintentionally; since they have known you your whole life, they might just think they know you quite well. In some ways they probably do know you quite well, but in other ways they may be limited in their understanding. Being tethered to the idea of you that they’ve constructed likely makes them less curious about learning more about who you really are: an ever changing, evolving being.
You might feel a sense of disappointment or frustration towards family for seemingly not seeing you or exhibiting interest in getting to know who you truly are, but on the other hand how much opportunity have you given them? It’s true that sharing yourself with others is easier to do in an environment you perceive to be safe for your expression, but perhaps you too suffer from some limiting perceptions of the environment and are projecting. Perhaps sharing yourself requires some proactivity. Perhaps the space to share yourself is there for the taking. You do not need permission to show yourself and practice taking up a little bit more space. Expressing a little bit more of your authentic self might bring about surprising results. You can do this in whatever small or grand ways you choose, but, no matter the scale, it’s good practice as demonstrating your true self among family can get you more accustomed to sharing yourself more in the wider world.
If sharing yourself more than usual doesn’t feel like the right thing to do don’t put too much pressure on yourself to do so. Naturally there will be times when you choose to rather hold back and not express yourself. This is also okay. These moments too are ripe for self reflection. Being in social settings that don’t feel safe probably make you feel uncomfortable. Instead of feeling guilty about feeling weird, give yourself the space to feel weird.
Try this exercise…
Notice the thoughts and feelings that flood your mind and body, and allow them to work their way through you. You might even want to take some time to make a note of your experience, in a journal or even just your phone.
Focus on what’s happening inside yourself, what wounds are activated.
Remind yourself that you have the choice in how to engage with the feelings you’re experiencing, you can react or not react however you decide.
Try to not judge however you choose to be, there is no right or wrong in this situation simply notice all that’s happening inside and outside yourself.
Treat this time as some kind of psychological experiment on yourself where you are the witness and the subject. If it’s any comfort, you will not be alone in these sensations. Many people around will be feeling the very same thing during this time and there’s comfort in that.
Family members provide some of the most challenging interpersonal relationships in life. They test us in ways that few others can. In many ways family functions as our greatest teacher, helping us learn patience, love and compassion, both for ourselves and for others. They hold a mirror which reflects what facets of ourselves need attention, what wounds need healing. But don’t forget, oftentimes the family wounds you carry are generational. The traumas you experience/d from your family are expressions of their traumas that they carry from their family; this pattern continues up the family tree. For example maybe you feel restricted by your parents or misunderstood; it is likely that this is because they felt the same way towards their parents. These issues are painful to address—especially whilst being triggered by the perpetrators while surrounded by your family. If you can manage to see the people in your family you struggle with as victims themselves, perpetuating all the trauma, neuroses and fears that you seek to heal from you may be able to cultivate some compassion for them. And if you do choose to try to heal these wounds, you will be doing the amazing task of breaking cycles of trauma and healing generational wounds.
It might be helpful to set an intention before going into your family space. You know full well what you might struggle with, what triggers you, and how you usually respond. Reflect on how you might be able to create new outcomes. Consider how you might be able to try something different in order to rewrite the programs that may have been running for many years. This could look like something as simple as just being more conscious of your internal experience. Be kind and patient with yourself during this time and allow yourself to feel all the various feelings that may surface.