People-pleasing
Most of us are raised to believe that love is conditional. We grow up in families and societies that reward us for certain behaviours and punish us for others. It’s no wonder we grow up being afraid of getting things wrong, of upsetting people, or of even just saying ‘no’ when we don’t want to do something. We don’t want to be punished; we want to be loved and cared for. We grow up believing that others are the arbiters of our value so we feel a lot of pressure to perform well in order to feel like we’re good. Whether it be on a conscious or unconscious level, we believe the only way to be loved is by pleasing those around us. This is somewhat of a childish belief, but, if left uninterrogated, it continues to be held our whole lives.
As adults we understand how this tendency is unproductive, unsustainable, and even silly at times. We know that it’s illogical to dance around those around us, we realise that people are not hyper delicate, sensitive beings that will crumble at any sign of resistance. We are capable of being disappointed, of being told no, of having boundaries set by others, so why do we feel like nobody else around us is? People-pleasing has nothing to do with others and everything to do with the self. It feels like people-pleasing keeps us safe and protects us from being exposed as bad, unworthy or unlovable. If we keep everyone around us happy then we won’t have to face our own deepest fears about our own worthlessness.
We want to prove our worth by keeping people happy around us. The irony is people who know their worth and stand by it are generally more respected and well liked than people who don’t. Others feel more comfortable and at peace around someone with whom they can be honest and not afraid to overstep a boundary. It’s also palpable when someone is rooted in the knowledge of their worth; self-belief in worth leads others to share that belief.
Of course it feels good to make those around us happy, to be generous with our time and energy, and whatever else we have to give. This is something that is love-based: a natural spontaneous expression of care and affection for others. The people-pleasing we’re referring to here is fear-based, and stems from the desire to hide and hide from the deep unconscious fear that you are not enough.
How do we live a life free from the perceived judgements and expectations of others? How do we cultivate a true sense of self-worth that is unwavering?
A good place to start is making the impulses to people-please conscious. When you sense the urge to betray yourself and instead do what you think would please another person, pause and think for a minute. Acknowledge what is happening within you. Recognise the fear that’s being activated in that instance, and bring it into the light of your conscious awareness. Reflect on your inner child who picked up all these untrue beliefs about worthiness, good behaviour, and performance. Be kind and gentle with that self who so desperately wants to be loved and affirmed and is doing their best. At that moment, you have a choice. You have power. You can either pick the people-pleasing route, or you can choose something else: to set a boundary, to express how you’re feeling, or maybe to remove yourself from the situation entirely in order to have more space to process what’s happening within you in order to take action under less pressure. If asked something you’re not sure if you want to do, you can respond “I will think about it”. Regardless of what you choose you will have disrupted the unconscious pattern of people-pleasing. The more you practice disrupting the automatic habit to people-please the more empowered you will feel to choose something different for yourself.
Desire is incredibly powerful when it comes to this kind of emotional work. If you truly desire to be free of the restrictive and debilitating cause and consequences people-pleasing, you can be. If you desire to face your fears and interrogate the roots of your beliefs in your unworthiness, you can heal. Say out if you want, claim what you desire, and state that you are ready for and desire this change. Remember to always be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault you struggle with people-pleasing, you don’t have to feel guilt on top of the uncomfortable feelings that arise from people-pleasing.